What does one find if one goes cucumber hunting on youtube? The answer is shocking, and very Japanese. The first video that comes to sight is named Cucumber trumpet “march of bee”, and is a direct insult to this religious community. A video features a man who has made a “trumpet” out of a cucumber, a paprika and a carrot. Resulting is a horrendous device, which looks like something your kindergarten aunt forced you to make, and you never forgave her for. Behind this abomination of an instrument sits the creator, a man who calls himself heita3. A quick glance at his uploaded videos, will make you realize what sick pleasures this man gets from molesting vegetables. Nothing is too degrading for this man who has made videos playing anything from a cabbage slide flute, to an ostrich egg ocarina.

The true horrors of this relatively harmless youtube video does not unfold until the man actually moves the instrument to his lips. The only thing proved in the video is that this heita3 has more silly faces to show us than notes on the cucumber trumpet. Because at very second he starts playing, it is as if you can hear the screams of the molested cucumber, through the paprika thoroughly shoved up its behind.

Watch and weep.